Giving My Head A Smack [Don't You Love That?]

I’ve been focusing a lot lately on my relationships with people, or my lack thereof.

 

In writing an email to one friend that I seem to be losing, I’ve gained a sense of what I’m doing wrong, and why I’m not succeeding in the relationships that I currently have, as well as why I’m not forging new, intimate friendships.

 

You see, I’ve been praying for friends. I know that sounds pretty pathetic, but I have. I want people that I can be close with, the way I was with Raomi and Erica, before they left school [both within a two month period -- pretty rough]. The strange place that I’m in right now with Joey is amplified with the jealousy I’m feeling at his having close friendships with his roommates, something I really just don’t have with mine. Laura is quiet and spends a lot of time in her room with the door closed, and so we haven’t had much opportunity to get to know each other way down deep. I’m not much of a social butterfly myself, which makes for an awfully silent house most of the time. 

 

I wrote to Cathy and ended up venting these same frustrations about lacking friendships and jealousy; yet at the same time, the wonderful feeling of knowing that I’m in the program that God wants me to be in, loving my classes and my professors, and the way God shows me things every day that I should be doing, or bringing up to others, or focusing on.

 

As soon as I typed out the word focus I knew what was wrong. 

 

I’ve been completely focusing on having no close friends and on my romantic relationship not being what I need it to be, to the point of praying for these things to change. This should not be my focus. I need to be focused on God, on what He’s doing in my life on a daily basis, and how He can be there for me more so than anyone else.

 

Silly me. What was I thinking?

 

I’ve got a paper to write for my Old Testament class, and then I’m going to spend some much-needed time in the Word.